Should You Forgive Yourself If the Other Person Hasn’t Forgiven You?

April 06, 2026 | By Madhura Samarth and Layla Nathwani

TL;DR
Yes. We can forgive ourselves even when the person we hurt has not forgiven us, but self-forgiveness should come with taking responsibility for our actions. We should acknowledge what we did, apologise sincerely, fix what we can, accept the consequences and change our behaviour. Their forgiveness remains their choice while our responsibility lies in what we do next.

We hurt someone. We apologised, tried to make things right and perhaps gave them time. They still have not forgiven us. That can leave us with a difficult question. If they still feel hurt or angry, do we have the right to forgive ourselves? Does moving forward mean we are avoiding responsibility?

Vedic teachings help us separate two things that can easily become confused: their forgiveness and our responsibility. We can control how sincere our apology is, how we try to make amends and the way we behave afterwards. We cannot control when another person forgives us or whether they forgive us at all.

Should we forgive ourselves if the other person hasn’t forgiven us?

Yes, if we have taken responsibility for our actions, we can forgive ourselves even if the other person hasn’t. We still need to face what happened, accept our role and correct what we can. Their decision to forgive belongs to them.

Bhagavad Gita 2.47 teaches us to focus on our actions rather than fixate on results. Applied here, our responsibility includes apologising, making amends, accepting consequences and changing our behaviour. Another person’s response isn’t in our control.

We apologise sincerely but we cannot ensure that it will be accepted. We can fix damage where possible but we cannot mandate the other person to feel differently afterwards. Self-forgiveness begins when we take responsibility for our part without trying to control theirs.

Self-forgiveness starts with responsibility

Self-forgiveness begins with facing the facts. We need to name what we did without excuses and understand the harm it caused. Then we need to decide what taking responsibility means in this situation. 

A responsible response may include:

• admitting clearly what we did
• apologising without defending our behaviour
• correcting false information
• replacing or repaying what was lost
• accepting distance if the person wants it
• accepting reasonable consequences
• changing the behaviour that caused the harm

apologising  is one part of accepting responsibility. Changing our behaviour is the second. MEG’s guide to How to Atone for Past Mistakes — A Vedic Path explains prāyaścitta, the Vedic concept of corrective action or atonement after wrongdoing.

Self-forgiveness becomes easier when we know what still needs to be done. We cannot change the past but we can change our conduct going forward. Taking responsibility helps us ease the remorse.

What if they still refuse to forgive you?

Another person may stay angry even after a sincere apology. They may need more time, choose permanent distance or decide that the relationship cannot continue. Their response is entirely their choice.

Bhagavad Gita 2.47 helps us separate effort from outcome. We can choose honesty, repair and better conduct. We cannot be guaranteed forgiveness through effort alone.

Repeated attempts to beg forgiveness can also place pressure on the person we hurt. Sometimes taking responsibility means giving them space after we have apologised and offered reasonable repair. Respecting their decision can become part of making amends.

If you have want to know the relationship between forgiveness and rebuilding the relationship, read MEG’s guide on whether forgiveness means allowing someone back into our life. It explains the difference between forgiveness, trust, reconciliation and continued access.

Remorse should change what we do

The Śrīmad Bhāgavatam gives us an example through King Parīkṣit. After treating the sage Śamīka wrongly, Parīkṣit reflected on his action and recognised that he had behaved inappropriately. Śrīmad Bhāgavatam 1.19.1 records his remorse. 

In the next verse, Parīkṣit accepts that consequences may follow. He also expresses the desire to avoid committing the same offence again. Śrīmad Bhāgavatam 1.19.2 therefore connects remorse with consequence and changed conduct.

We can use the same test after our own mistakes. Remorse has done its job when it changes our future conduct. A lesson is learned when the same situation evokes a better response from us. 

How do we know when guilt has done its job?

Guilt can alert us to a gap between our actions and our values. Once we see that gap, responsibility means bridging the gap. Replaying the mistake even after every useful action has been taken doesn’t help.

Ask:

1. Have I admitted what I actually did?
2. Have I apologised sincerely?
3. Have I repaired what I reasonably can?
4. Have I accepted the consequences?
5. Do I understand what led to the behaviour?
6. Have I changed the behaviour that caused the harm?

A missing step may still mean we have to take action. When the steps are complete, we need to live according to what we learned from our mistake. MEG’s broader guide to what the Bhagavad Gita says about guilt and forgiveness explores the difference between guilt, responsibility and corrective action.

Self-punishment and responsibility achieve different things. Responsibility changes what we do. Self-punishment keeps bringing our minds back to what we did.

What Bhagavad Gita 6.5 adds to self-forgiveness

Bhagavad Gita 6.5 teaches us to elevate ourselves through the mind. The verse also describes that the mind as capable of becoming a friend or an enemy of the self. After recognising a mistake, we still have to decide what we will do with that memory. We can use it to improve our judgement, strengthen our discipline and change our conduct. We can also replay the event repeatedly – this mental rehashing will serve no useful purpose.

Self-forgiveness should direct us towards better action. We remember what happened and take the lesson.

How do I forgive myself when I can’t undo what happened?

Some mistakes can be corrected directly. Money can be repaid, misinformation can be corrected and an apology can be offered. Other consequences may be permanent.

When we cannot undo the event, taking responsibility moves us forward. We can reduce further harm, accept the consequences and make sure the same weakness produces a different response next time. We can also use what we learned to improve how we treat other people.

Prāyaścitta gives this process a practical direction. It focuses on self correction rather than endless regret. MEG’s guide on how to atone for past mistakes explains how acknowledgment and corrective action fit into the Vedic understanding of repentance.

Should you apologise again?

A second apology can help when the first was full of excuses, minimised the harm or missed something important. We should first ask whether another apology would really fix the issue or whether we are apologizing again so that the other person forgives us and we feel better. That difference can tell us whether another conversation will help.

A useful apology includes:

• Accepting what we did
• Acknowledging how it affected the other person
• Defining what responsibility we are accepting
• Saying what we will change

After that, the other person may want space. Respecting that space can show more change than repeatedly asking whether they forgive us. Our conduct after the apology often tells them more than another apology would.

How to forgive yourself after hurting someone

Self-forgiveness can follow a clear sequence. Each step deals with aspects that are within our control. Together they turn remorse into action.

1. State what happened accurately

Describe the action without exaggerating or softening it. Separate the facts from labels about who we are as a person. Clear facts make responsibility easier.

2. Apologise for the actual harm

Name what we did and acknowledge the effect it had. Keep explanations separate from excuses. Give the other person room to respond as they choose.

3. Repair what can still be repaired

Return money, correct a lie, replace what was damaged or fulfil an obligation we ignored. Some situations need practical repair more than another conversation. Ask what is still possible now.

4. Accept the consequences

Trust may take time to rebuild. The relationship may change or end. Accepting those consequences forms part of taking responsibility.

5. Find the behaviour that needs to change

Look behind the mistake. Anger, dishonesty, jealousy, fear, impulsiveness or avoidance may have contributed to it. Choose a specific behaviour that will reduce the chance of repeating it.

6. Don’t make their forgiveness the final test

Their forgiveness remains theirs to give. Our test is whether we have acted responsibly and changed. We can continue living according to what we learned.

When guilt keeps coming back after we have completed these steps, MEG’s guide on whether guilt ever goes away and how to let go of regret can help us separate useful remorse from repeated mental punishment.

How do you know if you have really learned from your mistake?

Time gives us better evidence than intention. We have learned when the same trigger begins producing a different response. Our conduct becomes the proof.

Look for changes such as:

• we tell the truth earlier
• we control our anger before speaking
• we stop repeating the same excuse
• we respect boundaries
• we accept correction
• we make difficult decisions earlier
• we keep promises more consistently

Feeling terrible shows that we feel remorse. Changed behaviour shows that we learned. The strongest apology eventually appears in the way we live.

What if forgiving yourself feels like letting yourself off too easily?

Self-forgiveness can feel wrong when we confuse suffering with accountability. We may think continued guilt proves that we understand the seriousness of what we did. The better test is whether our behaviour has changed.

Accountability may bring us discomfort, consequences and difficult repair. It can require patience while another person rebuilds trust or decides not to. Self-forgiveness simply allows us to stop adding endless self-condemnation after we have accepted those responsibilities.

The goal is neither to excuse the mistake nor to build our identity around the mistake. We acknowledge what happened, make the best repair available and live differently. That gives the mistake a useful consequence.

What if the relationship ends anyway?

A sincere apology cannot guarantee reconciliation. Some harm changes a relationship permanently and the other person may decide that distance is best. We still have to respect that choice.

The end of the relationship does not negate the work we have done. We can accept what our actions cost, learn from it and carry the lesson into future relationships. MEG’s guide on how to know when it is time to let go can help when the remaining question concerns accepting that a relationship has ended.

Moving forward doesn’t mean that we pretend that the loss meant nothing. It means allowing the consequence we endured to teach us rather than letting this one episode become our identity. We can regret what happened and still become wiser because of it.

Sometimes the hardest question is whether we have genuinely done enough. We may still be unsure whether to apologise again, make another attempt at repair, give the person space or accept that their forgiveness lies outside our control.

If that is the decision you are facing, ask chat.myeternalguide.com about the specific situation. MEG can use relevant Vedic teachings to help you decide what responsibility you still need to take and what you may now need to release.

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